Wow, finally all my anger at my partner has melted away. I'm not sure why I felt so much. I sent her a note the other day, and used this story to relay how I felt...
I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff by my fingernails, barely holding on. Madaleine stands off in the distance watching me. I'm crying out, "don't leave me! I need your love! I need your joy!" She thinks I'm crying to her, but she is actually just the person standing there. As she turns and goes the other direction, my fingers open up, and I fall into the abyss.
Really, this past year or few years has been incredibly difficult for me. I've lost or nearly lost everything--my cats, my house (though I have that now), my finances, my health, my lover, and all the conceptions of who I thought I was. I'm not straight; I don't want to date or have sex with men. I'm not a woman who has no boundaries, who allows people to step into her space because she doesn't want to hurt their feelings. I'm not a woman carrying the pain, guilt, suffering of her parents. I'm not a woman who carries the pain of her childhood any longer. I'm not so many things. I'm really just learning who I am. And that is scary. Falling into the abyss was the most difficult thing I have probably done in my life. Watching Madaleine walk away, the last thing for me to lose, really made me feel absolutely, wholly desperate. I lost it. I was so angry, and I blamed her. But, of course, because of my meditation practice, I finally realized that none of this is her fault. She is just where she is; and I am just where I am. And for me, groundlessness isn't as scary and awful as I thought it would be.
I feel more relaxed and relieved that I perhaps ever have in my life.
Love to all my friends and family and especially to Madaleine. If it hadn't been for you and the relationship we shared, I would not have discovered this peace in my heart and this love for myself. Thank you. I hope you find peace, joy and love for yourself. Know that I love you always.
1 year ago