Relief

Wow, finally all my anger at my partner has melted away. I'm not sure why I felt so much. I sent her a note the other day, and used this story to relay how I felt...

I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff by my fingernails, barely holding on. Madaleine stands off in the distance watching me. I'm crying out, "don't leave me! I need your love! I need your joy!" She thinks I'm crying to her, but she is actually just the person standing there. As she turns and goes the other direction, my fingers open up, and I fall into the abyss.


Really, this past year or few years has been incredibly difficult for me. I've lost or nearly lost everything--my cats, my house (though I have that now), my finances, my health, my lover, and all the conceptions of who I thought I was. I'm not straight; I don't want to date or have sex with men. I'm not a woman who has no boundaries, who allows people to step into her space because she doesn't want to hurt their feelings. I'm not a woman carrying the pain, guilt, suffering of her parents. I'm not a woman who carries the pain of her childhood any longer. I'm not so many things. I'm really just learning who I am. And that is scary. Falling into the abyss was the most difficult thing I have probably done in my life. Watching Madaleine walk away, the last thing for me to lose, really made me feel absolutely, wholly desperate. I lost it. I was so angry, and I blamed her. But, of course, because of my meditation practice, I finally realized that none of this is her fault. She is just where she is; and I am just where I am. And for me, groundlessness isn't as scary and awful as I thought it would be.

I feel more relaxed and relieved that I perhaps ever have in my life.

Love to all my friends and family and especially to Madaleine. If it hadn't been for you and the relationship we shared, I would not have discovered this peace in my heart and this love for myself. Thank you. I hope you find peace, joy and love for yourself. Know that I love you always.

Heidi and I are off to New Hampshire in less than two weeks

Heidi and I are off to the International Mountain Climbing School's Women's Rock Weekend in less than two weeks. We are both really excited to climb in New Hampshire with organizer Sarah Garlick and also to be teaching for both days of the weekend. The event includes: two days of women's climbing clinics taught by professional women guides, plus an après-climb community party, dinner, a slideshow, and a silent auction that benefits Girls Education International (our organization!). This is the organization's 18th year running the event, making it one of the longest-running women's climbing events in the country!

More info from their website about Heidi's slide show. I will be doing a five-minute introduction of Girls Education International.
:) Lizzy

Come to the Annual Women's Rock Weekend slide show by Heidi Wirtz and get inspired!

Heidi Wirtz will be giving this year's slide show for Women's Rock Weekend. Just in case you haven't heard of her - this is one incredibly talented woman with a dedication to philanthropy that is as great as her climbing ability. The North Face athlete has climbed all over the world and the slide show will be about her trips to Pakistan, Australia, Nepal, and Morocco. She will also highlight her "proudest send" - the first all-female free ascent of the South Howser Tower of the Bugaboos in Canada.

After visiting some schools for girls in the countries they were climbing in, Heidi and Lizzy Scully, another one of our guides for the weekend, formed Girls Education International. This organization supports educational opportunities for girls and women in underdeveloped regions of the world.

The slide show starts at 7:30pm and will be held at International Mountain Equipment. Tickets are $5.00 and there will be a raffle and silent Auction. Part of the proceeds will go towards Girls Education International.

every day is different

every day is different, and i appreciate all the days. even the 15-hour work day i had yesterday and the 6-hours of doctor/therapy appointments today. every day i'm learning something about myself, reality, the truth of my existence. today i realized how bad i have always been at setting boundaries. i've always felt guilty/bad about hurting other people's feelings, to the extent that i betray my own self/desires to ensure other people feel OK/good. but i'm not going to do that anymore. i need first to feel good about myself, and then i can empathize with others, but not to the extent that i don't feel good about myself. i can't help anyone without first loving myself. so, to the fellow on the bus who invades my space all the time, despite the fact that i'm clearly not interested in you, (i don't want to date men!), please respect my space and leave me be. don't sit next to me anymore. i don't like it. you don't make me feel good. leave me alone.

and to the people who tread over me thoughtlessly, respect me and my space. do not take me for granted. do not treat me carelessly. it is unkind and unloving.

dang, it's hard to say that and to do that. my instinct is to always try to help people feel better. but why when i am not 100% confident about myself? i'm not sure. i have never really thought about it before. but through therapy, through serious meditation, through amazing dharma and non-dharma, but very self-aware friends, i'm realizing it now. i am cool; i am beautiful; i am loving. i do not deserve to have people not treat me with 100% respect and love.

thanks so much to all of the family and friends who have been so incredibly loving and supportive of me. i appreciate you more than you know.

much love, lizzy

lost

Feeling lost and sad without my partner...
Ugg, what a pain it is to break up.

Aw, I'm in love!

This is Elijah. What a cutie. He's the son of my friend, Melissa Love. I got to hang out with them last weekend at a nice park by the river. I was pretty sad that day, but it's hard to sustain sadness with such a cute baby around. :)

Hello

Hello family, friends, and random people who end up on my site,

I'm doing OK right now. My heart is broken, and my days are definitely missing something really significant. But, I don't feel empty or lonely. So many friends and family members have really supported me through this tough year. I just want everyone to know that I'm really taking care of myself right now. I meditate daily for an hour or two, eat very healthy foods, exercise regularly (climbing now on the weekends and yoga during the week), and I'm starting to get out more with friends. I'm especially enjoying walks around Boulder in the evenings. The smells of springtime fill me with joy. It is tempered by sadness. But, I'm beginning to realize that to be present with those things is really opening my world. I can't explain yet, but I feel more grounded and relaxed than I have ever. I still have much to work out, many lessons to learn, and many more hours to meditate, but I'm not in as much of a rush to get these things done. As with my sadness, it will change over time. I'm no longer worried about being unmotivated. My high levels of motivation and energy will never go away. As one of my Buddhist teachers told me a few years ago, "Lizzy, you will still get a lot done, but you may just be more relaxed about getting those things done." He was right.

On a very positive note, I am going to spend 8 days on a meditation retreat with Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun who has been incredibly influential on my path. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to a women's rock weekend in New Hampshire, organized by Sarah Garlick, and for which I'll be teaching (along with my good friend, Heidi). And, I'll be visiting my brother in NM and climbing at Paradise Forks over the July 4 weekend. Fun stuff! I'll start posting more photos and fun stuff then.

I'm thinking things may slow down for me for a while. Of course, you never know, and I'm trying to "abandon all hope of fruition," but I feel a deep sense of relaxation impending. Ahhh...

Much love to you all,
-Lizzy